The keep-quiet diet


I have 2 months to get rid of my tummy. Actually slightly less time than that. (Why is it so important to be svelte for a journey only to go away and get fat again? Never mind. Ahem.) I would not be a real American consumer if I did not look into the latest fad diet. A large part of our economy is diet-fad driven. The books, the talk-shows, the supplements, the specially-labeled foods, the infomercials, the celebrity clients, etc etc.

As a member of the larger-than-I-want-to-be-community, I began to think about the diets I’ve followed.  I tried the Atkins diet some years ago. It was a bit expensive for all that protein, but peeing on a ketone-stick was rather novel. In a nutshell, you eat a bunch of protein and you lose weight because of [insert science here]. I noticed that I couldn’t eat cookies, candies or cake.

Next I tried the Diet Solution. For that I kept an eats log and counted carb and protein units. For over a year I ate yogurt and fruit for lunch, thousands of raw almonds, and an unnatural number of rye crackers. This diet is not a diet, it is a “lifestyle change” and it works because of [insert latest dietary research here]. Sadly, I noticed that once again I was disallowed cookies, candies, and cake.

The latest diet I have looked into in the Wheat Belly Diet. On this one, no kidding, all traces of wheat and other genetically modified grains are stricken from the list of permitted nutriment. It takes an entire book to explain the complex reasons this diet works and will be “the last diet you’ll ever need”. This is because [insert studies, journal references, and scientific rhetoric here]. Guess what? All my favorite candies, cake, and cookies contain wheat so I can’t have them.

My studies have revealed that all these diets house a deep secret that I have paid thousands of dollars, hours and hours of research, and several pending patents to discover. It is the secret that doctors don’t want you to know. It’s the foundation of diet success. It is the secret on which the entire diet industry is built. Ready? Don’t eat cookies, candies, or cake. But keep quiet about it.

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